A dog, toddler and dirty diapers meet in a bar

I’m on the sofa at 6:20 p.m.   My body has a pounding ache; head is pulsing and there is an immediate need for something relaxing.  SyFy is On Demand, so I find Fact or Faked and watch the gentle sexually tension between Jael, Lanisha and the rest of the cast as they debunk viral videos.  The day didn’t start with signs of a complete meltdown by most of the living creatures in the house.

6:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. 

What a great day.  I’m super dad on parenting planet Earth and I can deal with any child.  Meals are eaten, naps are on schedule and we’re headed to a food tasting event in ninety minutes.  What’s that Toddler Mojo, you want to go see the horses* before we eat at the food party?  OK, let’s go!

4:10 We arrive at the stables and there are LOTS of horses.  Toddler Mojo is very excited and starts yelling and running.  He’s so excited that he falls down, bumps his head and proceeds to yell hysterically.  Nothing is wrong with him; he’s just embarrassed that he fell down in front of the horses.  They’re a tough crowd and barn gossip about manic out of control children is all the rage.   Side note:  jockeys and horse owners don’t seem to enjoy hysterical children.

4:20 Toddler Mojo regroups and is OK, but I have to head home to use the toilet.

4:25  I enter the house to find the trash can open and chewed up.  Unfortunately, that trash can is the one that houses all of the dirty diapers.  Wilson, the aforementioned diaper bag eater, has upgraded his game, figured out his opposable paws and can open trash cans.  While I’m all for intelligent dogs, having them eat dirty diapers is something I’d like to avoid.  Dogs love to eat poop.  Dogs that live in a family with children make fun of the dogs that only live in a house with cats.  A tootsie roll is nothing compared to the by-products of a growing baby.

4:26 I Put the very guilty looking dog outside and clean up the mess.  A dog that eats a diaper doesn’t just ‘eat’ it.  They sit on it, grind it into the floor and gnash it into dozens of pieces.

4:28  I’m interrupted while cleaning by Toddler Mojo who is yelling hysterically in the car.  Yes, he was in the car, but all the windows were down and it was just for a minute in front of our house, don’t judge.  “BEE” “BEE” he’s yelling.  I’m thinking it’s some Africanized killer bee from Fact or Faked, but it’s just a honey bee, that flew out the window.  However, the damage was done and with meltdown #2, the food tasting event is officially cancelled.

4:30  We go back inside, I finish cleaning the carpet and Toddler Mojo goes to the sofa to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.  Immediately he stops crying and sits like a good toddler.

5:00  We start to eat dinner.    He’s pickier than usual.

5:10  He says he’s all done.

5:13  He tries to climb back into his chair, but stumbles and falls face first to the floor.  Ouch.

5:14  Meltdown #3 is semi quelled by an Oreo.

5:17  We all head upstairs to do something to stop the yelling.  More Mojo is taking it in stride and grinning at his brother who is a red faced toddler trying to approximate a tornado siren.

5:45-6:10  The bathing conga line starts and all of the small people have forgotten about the past two hours.

6:15  Mom arrives home and I creep downstairs to get a beer, lay on the sofa and watch something disposable on TV.  Repo Games isn’t on, damnit.

8:15  Having noticed a pungent aroma for the past couple of hours I say “Sweetie, I love you, but your feet really stink.”

8:17  My wife thinks for a moment and says,  “Sweetie, our dog just ate a trash can full of diapers, ground the poop into the carpet, rolled in it-and you think it’s MY feet?”

 

*We live near a horse park where horses are boarded.  I’m pretty sure it’s all a scam for local business that want to cater to children.   Every child wants to see horses and oh look honey a place where we can buy gas for .50 more than usual!  Oh, there’s a trophy store and antique mall also?!…..suckers